I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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