I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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