I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
