Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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