It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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