whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
