i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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