im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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