I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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