i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
His hands were made for my vagina.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
