Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
