You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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