A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My balls are so social today.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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