she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
