you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
