That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
