You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
