I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
