oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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