dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
