you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
