Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
