Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
