I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
