Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
