At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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