Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
