Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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