I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
