I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
