Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just gift wrapped bread.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
