i used baking grease as lip gloss
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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