God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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