just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
