I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
