i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
