apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
