phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
