After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
