I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
