Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
