I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
