just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
