i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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