I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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