I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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