I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
