I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
