i already hear my dad disowning me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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