i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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