True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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