Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
