2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
